Food as Medicine

Food as Medicine  

HEADACHE?   EAT   FISH!  
Eat   plenty of fish -- fish oil helps prevent  headaches..So  does ginger, which  reduces inflammation and pain.  

HAY   FEVER?   EAT   YOGURT!
Eat   lots of yogurt before pollen season.  Also-eat honey from  your area (local  region) daily.

TO   PREVENT STROKE   DRINK   TEA!  
Prevent   build-up of fatty deposits on artery walls  with regular  doses of tea.  (actually,   tea suppresses appetite and keeps the  pounds from  invading....Green tea is great  for our immune  system)!  

INSOMNIA   (CAN'T SLEEP?)   HONEY!  
Use honey as a tranquilizer and  sedative.  

ASTHMA?   EAT   ONIONS!!!!  Eating   onions helps ease constriction of  bronchial tubes.  (onion packs placed  on chest helped the respiratory ailments and actually made breathing   better).

ARTHRITIS?   EAT   FISH, TOO!!  
Salmon, tuna, mackerel and sardines  actually  prevent arthritis.  (fish   has omega oils, good for our immune system)  

UPSET   STOMACH?    BANANAS   - GINGER!!!!!  Bananas   will settle an upset stomach. Ginger  will cure morning  sickness and nausea..  

BLADDER   INFECTION?   DRINK   CRANBERRY  JUICE!!!!  High-acid   cranberry juice controls harmful bacteria.  

BONE   PROBLEMS?   EAT   PINEAPPLE!!!  
Bone fractures and osteoporosis can be  prevented by the  manganese in pineapple.  

MEMORY   PROBLEMS?   EAT   OYSTERS!  
Oysters   help improve your mental functioning by  supplying  much-needed zinc.  

COLDS?   EAT   GARLIC!  
Clear   up that stuffy head with garlic.  (remember,   garlic lowers cholesterol,  too.)

COUGHING?   USE   RED PEPPERS!!  
A substance similar to that found in  the cough syrups is  found in hot red  pepper. Use red (cayenne) pepper  with  caution-it can irritate your tummy.  

BREAST   CANCER?    EAT   Wheat, bran and  cabbage  Helps to maintain estrogen at healthy  levels.  

LUNG   CANCER?   EAT   DARK GREEN AND ORANGE AND  VEGGIES!!!  
A   good antidote is beta carotene, a form of  Vitamin A found in  dark green and orange  vegetables.  

ULCERS?   EAT   CABBAGE ALSO!!!  
Cabbage contains chemicals that help  heal both gastric  and duodenal ulcers.  

DIARRHEA?   EAT   APPLES!
Grate   an apple with its skin, let it turn brown  and eat it to cure  this condition.  (Bananas are also good for this  ailment)

CLOGGED   ARTERIES?   EAT   AVOCADO!  
Mono   unsaturated fat in avocados lowers  cholesterol.  

HIGH   BLOOD PRESSURE?   EAT   CELERY AND OLIVE  OIL!!!  
Olive oil has been shown to lower  blood pressure.  Celery contains a  chemical that lowers pressure too.  

BLOOD   SUGAR IMBALANCE? EAT   BROCCOLI AND PEANUTS!!!  
The   chromium in broccoli and peanuts helps  regulate insulin and  blood sugar.  

Kiwi:   Tiny but mighty. This is a good source of  potassium,  magnesium, Vitamin E &  fibre. It's Vitamin C content is  twice  that of an orange.  

Apple:   An apple a day keeps the doctor away?  Although an apple has  a low Vitamin C  content, it has antioxidants &   flavonoids which enhances the activity of  Vitamin C thereby  helping to lower the  risks of colon cancer, heart  attack &  stroke..

Strawberry:   Protective fruit. Strawberries have the  highest total  antioxidant power among  major fruits & protects the body  from  cancer causing, blood vessels clogging   free radicals. (Actually,   any berry is good for you..they're high in  anti-oxidants and  they actually keep us  young.

Blueberries are the best  and  very versatile in the health field........they  get rid  of all the free-radicals that  invade our  bodies)

Orange :   Sweetest medicine. Taking 2 - 4 oranges a  day may help  keep colds away, lower  cholesterol, prevent  & dissolve kidney  stones as well as lessen the risk  of colon  cancer..

Watermelon:   Coolest Thirst Quencher. Composed of 92%  water, it is also  packed with a giant dose  of glutathione which helps boost  our  immune system..  They are also a key source  of  lycopene - the cancer fighting oxidant.   Other  nutrients    Found in watermelon are Vitamin  C  & Potassium. (watermelon   also has natural substances [natural SPF  sources] that keep  our skin healthy,  protecting our skin from those darn UV   rays)

Guava & Papaya:   Top awards for Vitamin C. They are the  clear winners for  their high Vitamin C  content. Guava is also rich in fibre  which  helps prevent constipation.   Papaya   is rich in carotene, this is good for your  eyes.  (also   good for gas and  indigestion)  

Tomatoes   are   very good as a preventative measure for  men, keeps those  prostrate problems from  invading their  bodies......GOOD   AS MEDICINE..      
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The Dot

FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP

.For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab, or a motel in Canada.  If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with technical advice.
‬

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Miracle Drink

MIRACLE DRINK- CARROT, POTATO AND APPLE    

 This MIRACLE DRINK has been circulating for a long time long- long ago.  It is worth your while to take note.  

There is a celebrity Mr. Seto who swears by it.  He wants to make it public to draw the attention of people who have cancers.  This is a drink that can protect bad cells forming in your body or it will restrain its growth!

 Mr. Seto had lung cancer.  He was recommended to take this drink by a famous Herbalist from China .  He has taken this drink diligently for 3 months and now his health is restored, and he is ready to take a pleasure trip.

Thanks to this drink!  It does not hurt for you to try.  It is like a Miracle Drink!  It is simple. 

 You need one potato, one carrot and one apple that combine together to make the JUICE ! 

 Wash the above,cut with the skin on into pieces and put them into the juicer and immediately you drink the juice.  You can add some lime or lemon for more refreshing taste. 

 This Miracle Drink will be effective for the following ailments:   

1.  Prevent cancer cells to develop. It will restrain cancer cells to grow.   

2.  Prevent liver, kidney, pancreas decease and it can cure ulcer as well.   

3.  Strengthen the lung, prevent heart attack and high blood pressure.   

4.  Strengthen the immune system   

5.  Good for the eyesight, eliminate red and tired eyes or dry eyes   

6.  Help to eliminate pain from physical training, muscle ache   

7.  Detoxify, assist bowel movement, eliminate constipation. Therefore it will make skin healthy & LOOK more radiant. It is God sent for acne problem.   

8.  Improve bad breath due to indigestion, throat infection,   

9.  Lessen menstrual pain   

10. Assist Hay Fever Sufferer from Hay Fever attack.      

There is absolutely no side effects.  Highly nutritious and easily absorbed!  Very effective if you need to loose weight. You will notice your immune system will be improved after 2 week routine.

Please make sure to drink immediately from the juicer for best effect. 

 WHEN TO DRINK IT:
 
 DRINK IT FIRST THING IN THE MORNING on an EMPTY STOMACH AFTER ONE HOUR  YOU CAN EAT BREAKFAST. FOR FAST RESULTS DRINK 2 TIMES A DAY, IN THE MORNING AND BEFORE 5 P.M.
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Suspicious Wife

The husband and his young wife were not on good terms.  

 In fact the wife was convinced that he was carrying on with the pretty housemaid, so she laid a trap.

**  One evening she suddenly sent Ekaette home for the weekend, and didn't inform the husband.**  

That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story:  "Excuse me my dear........my stomach," and disappeared towards the bathroom.

**  The wife promptly dashed along the corridor, up the back stairs, into the maid's bed. She just had time to switch the lights off when in he came silently. 

 He wasted no time or words but quickly took out his willy, and got on top of her.

When he finished and still panting, the wife said.  You didn't expect to find me in this bed did you!!" and switched on the light. 

 No madam, said the gardener"
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Green Iguana

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How to: Catch and Cook an Iguana

Iguana is a tasty meat. It tastes similar to chicken. It is the 'other' white meat! After the other white meat!

Steps, Tips and Warnings

Catch the iguana:
One technique is to make an old fashioned rabbit box. Place a small piece of meat in the far end when the iguana enters he hits a bar holding up the lid.

(Yeah right?)

The lid slides down trapping the iguana inside. This can be done with a long pole with a noose tied the end.

(I've seen Trini's run and catch Iguanas with their bare hands)

If you live in Central America you just buy one in the Market place.

1. Slit the iguana open down its belly. Pull out all 'guts' Skin the animal. Place the Iguana meat in ice cold water as soon as possible to keep for a few hours.

( The Iguana MUST be burnt to maintain its 'Wild' integrity)

2. Cut the animal up much like a chicken if it is a large iguana. If not it may be cooked whole.

3. Place in pot and cover with water. Salt, pepper and cumin may be added to flavor the meat. Boil until the meat is tender about 30 minutes.

4. Remove from the pot and de-bone the Iguana. Pull all the meat off. Then you may use it as you would any cooked chicken. The liquid maybe used as you would any chicken broth. Dispose of the bones.

NOW that's the North American version......

Where the hell is the Geera and the garlic and the bay leaf with the hot sauce....Coconut milk. And pimentos to add some real Trini flavor to de pot!

Did someone say ground provisions to lap up all that sauce? Or some Buss-up-shut?


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An Excellent Idea

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.

''Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?''Yes, I do.' Said Keith.

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?''Well, um, yes!,' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.''And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?

'Keith's face turned beet red and he said,'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?''She just died and left me everything.'

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... you know you smiled...now keep that smile for the rest of the day!)        
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Beer contains hormones

This is alarming

Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!

Last month, Montreal University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. 

To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:-

1) Argued over nothing.

2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional

6) Couldn't drive.

7) Failed to think rationally, and

8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary!!  


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The Bunny and the Snake

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and
an orphaned snake.

By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny
was hopping through the forest and the snake was slithering through the
forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down.

This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. "Oh, my," said the
bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind
since birth so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an
orphan, I don't even know what I am."

"It's quite ok," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is as yours. I am
blind from birth and an orphan. I tell you what. Maybe I could slither all
over you and work out what you are so at least you'll have that going for
you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful," replied the bunny.

So the snake slithered all over the bunny and said, "Well, you're covered
with soft fur. You have really long ears, your nose twitches and you have a
soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."

"Oh, thank you, thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The
bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw
and help you the same way that you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over and remarked, "Well, you're smooth,
slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say
you must be either a team leader, supervisor or possibly someone in senior
management."



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A Man's List

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory.  I don't remember what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object.  Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity; its lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge; if you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once but the holes in the dialer were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?     
A: The same thing as a French kiss only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing.  He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing......

15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?     
A: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.

16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?     
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!
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Did the priest lie?

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her:

Woman: "Father, may I ask for a favor?"Priest: "Of course. What may I do for you child?"

Woman: "Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and I am well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me.......... Under your robe perhaps?"

Priest: "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

Woman: "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you." 

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

Custom Officer: "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

Priest: "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer was strange.

Custom Officer: "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

Priest: "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Custom Officer: (Roaring with laughter, said) "Go ahead, Father." Next! 

Now.... truly, did the priest lie?

 


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Never Argue With A Jamaican

A Jamaican and his wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston.

 After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue so they decide to stop for a rest.  They stop at a nice hotel and take a room but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.
The Jamaican explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high.  He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.

When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the Jamaican insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the Jamaican and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for the Jamaican and wife to use.

'But we didn't use them,' the Jamaican complains.

'Well, they are here and you could have,' explains the Manager.  The Manager goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous.

 'The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.'But we didn't go to any of those shows,' complains the Jamaican again.
'Well, we have them and you could have,' the Manager replies.

No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the Jamaican replies, 'But we didn't use it!'

The Manager is unmoved and eventually the Jamaican gives up and agrees to pay.

 He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.  'But sir,' he says, 'this check is only made out for $100.

''That's right,' says the Jamaican.. 'I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife.'
'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.

'Well,' the Jamaican replies, 'she was here and you could have!"
 

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Mafia Bookkeeper

 
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks.  His bookkeeper is deaf.  That was the reason he got the job in the first place.  It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney who knows sign language. 
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is."
 
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.
 
The bookkeeper signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
 
The attorney tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
 
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
 
The attorney signs to the bookkeeper, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back, "OK!  You win!  The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

 
The Godfather asks the attorney, "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."  
                       
                       

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Types of Scotch Whisky

Introduction

To be classed as "Scotch" whisky must be both distilled and matured in Scotland.

There is a good reason for this. Scotch whiskies derive part of their flavour from the air in the locations where they are stored during maturation.

For example some people swear that they can taste the sea from the strong, distinctively flavoured malt whisky from the Island of Islay.

In accordance with the Scotch Whisky Act of 1988, Scotch must be matured in oak barrels of a capacity not exceeding 700 litres.

The American Bourbon industry demands that barrels may be used only once so these are now sold on to Scotch whisky distillers. Spanish Sherry casks and Port casks are also used. All of these contribute distinctive flavours to the whisky.

Scotch Whisky is commonly sold in single malt, pure malt and blended versions. Malts are generally more expensive than the blends and are produced entirely from malted barley. It should be noted that the production of all types of Scotch Whisky does not allow for any additives or 'enhancers'.

Only cereals (barley, wheat, maize etc) water and yeast may be used, although a small amount of caramel (burnt sugar) is permitted at the point of bottling – this ensures a consistent colour of the finished product.

Blended Scotch Whisky

By far the most popular worldwide, blended Scotch whisky accounts for the majority of the Scotch that is consumed. Blends are created from many different malt whiskies and grain whisky. Typically there would be about 80% grain and 20% malts in a blend with as many as 20 (but usually less than 15) different malts being used. Blended whiskies are popular because skilled master blenders can produce individual blends with consistent and distinctive characteristics. These are sometimes blended with particular markets in mind. For example at the end of the prohibition period in America (1933) some distillers created blends specifically for the re-emerging market there.

Single Grain Scotch Whisky

Single grain Scotch whisky is the product of a single distillery and made from unmalted barley, corn (maize) or wheat, water and barley. There are only a few single grain whiskies on sale to the general public and they are often hard to find. Almost all grain whisky goes into the blending process to create blended Scotch. The production process for grain whisky is continuous process and therefore production volumes are much higher than a typical malt distillery. This is reflected in the fact that there are only seven grain distilleries operating in Scotland at present and they can cope with the required volume.

Single Malt Scotch Whisky

Single malt Scotch whisky is so called because it consists strictly of malt whiskies from a single distillery. These must not contain any whiskies from other distilleries and it must be distilled in copper pot stills.

Single malts are produced in many areas of Scotland. Perhaps the best known (and the area with the highest concentration) is Speyside. Malt whiskies tend to be classified by there area of origin. There are five distinct areas, namely Speyside, Highland, Lowland Campbeltown and Islay, but it is not true to say that all whiskies from one area are the same, they may share certain characteristics, but no more than that.

It is worth noting that only about 5% of the today's malt whisky is bottled. The rest goes into blends.

In malt whisky distilling only malted barley may be used. Distillers may not use any other grains or fermentable products. Malt whiskies are produced in pot stills. The pot stills used here at the Loch Lomond Distillery are quite unusual. Four of these have rectifying heads and two have traditional "swan necks". This range of stills allows us to produce a total of eight different single highland malt whiskies.

Single Cask Malt

A single cask malt is one which is a bottling from a single cask. Since most of the American Bourbon casks that are used are 200 litres, and by the time the angels have taken their share, this means that not much more than 400 bottles will be available from each cask (depending on the age and type of cask used). The angel's share is what evaporates during the maturation stage so it will be dependent on the time in storage.

While single cask malts are very exclusive their consistency cannot be controlled by mixing the malts from different cask so don't always expect them to taste the same as other whiskies from the same distillery. Some of these "single, single" malts are also bottled at cask strength, with no water at all being added. This means that they often have 50% alcohol content or more, with some being as high as 60%. Most distillers would recommend that whisky be consumed at approximately 28 to 30%, typically 3 parts whisky to 2 parts water. This allows all of the flavours (some of which are dissolved in the alcohol) to be fully appreciated.

Pure Malt

Pure malt whisky or vatted malt is a blend of malt whiskies from different distilleries. The term "Pure Malt" was coined to suggest exclusivity but it really just means that the bottle contains no grain whiskies. Clearly all Scotch malt whiskies are by definition pure malts or100% Scotch malts. This is not to say that pure malts are inferior. Once again the masterblender can marry together a number of malts in various quantities to produce a distinctive whisky with its own character and traits.
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Playing Golf

‎​Two women were playing golf. One teed off and  watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward  a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball  hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and  proceeded to roll around in agony. 

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately  began to apologize.

"Please allow me to help. I'm a  physical therapist and I know I could relieve your  pain if you'd allow me,"she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few  minutes," the man replied. He was in obvious agony,  lying in the fetal position, still clasping his  hands together at his groin.

At her persistence,  however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.  

She administered tender and artful massage for  several long moments and asked,"How does that feel"?  He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"
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‎​Boys are stronger Than Girls? Please!!! >:/

Sent by a woman (of course):


Can you bleed for a week and
survive?

Can you squeeze a 14 inch baby from a 10 centimeter hole?

Can you carry a 7 pound baby in your stomach for 9 months?

Can you take care of a child, cook, clean, and talk on the phone at once?

Can you carry 108 pound shopping bags?

Can you go a week only eating salad?

Can you face heartbreak?

Can you watch the love of your life be with someone else?

Can you burn your forehead with a straightener and not complain?

Can you wear a thin piece of string in your ass all day?

Can you walk all day on 6 inch stilettos?

Can you cry all night then wake up the next morning like everything's okay?

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Perfect Answers to Stupid Questions

PERFECT ANSWERS TO STUPID QUESTIONS....   
1. When people see you lying down, with your eyes closed they still ask:- Are you sleeping?
A: No! I'm training to die:

2. Imagine when you take an electronic equipment to a technician to get it fixed and he still asks you:- Need it to be fixed?
A: No, it got bored of staying home alone so I brought It over for a ride. >:O

3. When It's raining and someone notices you going out, they ask: - Are you going out in this rain?
A: No, in the next one.=-?  

4. When you wake up, then comes an idiot asking you: - You Awake?
A: No. I'm sleep walking!(=|

5. Your friend calls your home phone:- Where are you?
A: At the bus stop!:/

6. They see you wet coming from the bathroom:- Did you just have a bath?
A: No, I fell in the toilet bowl! 

7. You are standing right in front of the elevator on the ground floor and they ask:- Going up?
A: No, no, I am waiting for my apartment to come down and get me. (y)

8. Your boyfriend comes to your house with a bunch of flowers. And you still ask him:- are those Flowers?
A: No baby! They are Carrots.  

9. You're in the toilet when someone knocks on the door asking:  - Is anyone in there?
A: No! The SHIT is talking to you.
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Rearranged

Someone out there must be "deadly" at Scrabble.(Wait till you see the last one)!  
________________________________

PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER  

ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER  

DESPERATION:   When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT  

THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE  

GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE  

THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS  

DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME  

ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY  

ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT  

SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S  

A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: I'M A DOT IN PLACE  

THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE  

ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE  

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE: MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER
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In the presence of GOD

"Living in the presence of God is truly the only security necessary; all the rest will be filled in later and better"

One night in a church service a young woman felt the tug of God at her heart. She responded to God's call and accepted Jesus as her Lord and Savior.

The young woman had a very rough past, involving alcohol, drugs, and prostitution. But, the change in her was evident. As time went on she became a faithful member of the church..She eventually became involved in the ministry, teaching young children. It was not very long until this faithful young woman had caught the eye and heart of the pastor's son.

The relationship grew and they began to make wedding plans. This is when the problems began. You see, about one half of the church did not think that a woman with a past such as hers was suitable for a pastor's son. The church began to argue and fight about the matter..So they decided to have a meeting.

As the people made their arguments and tensions increased, the meeting was getting completely out of hand. The young woman became very upset about all the things being brought up about her past. As she began to cry the pastor's son stood to speak. He could not bear the pain it was causing his wife to be.

He began to speak and his statement was this:"My fiancés past is not what is on trial here. What you are questioning is the ability of the blood of Jesus to wash away sin. Today you have put the blood of Jesus on trial. So, does it wash away sin or not?"

The whole church began to weep as they realized that they had been slandering the blood of the Lord Jesus Christ.

Too often, even as Christians, we bring up the past and use it as a weapon against our brothers and sisters is a very foundational part of the Gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ.

If the blood of Jesus does not cleanse the other person completely then it cannot cleanse us completely..

If that is the case, then we are all in a lot of troublemaker can wash away my sins?

Nothing but the blood of Jesus! End of case!!!!

"Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and he shall sustain thee he shall never suffer the righteous to be moved."Psalm 55:23

My instructions were to pick four people that I wanted God to bless and I picked you.
Please pass this to four other people you want to be blessed. This prayer is powerful and prayer is one of the best gifts we receive.

There is no cost but a lot of rewards, let's continue to pray for one another. Here is the prayer:

"Father, I ask you to bless my friends, relatives and email buddies reading this right now. Show them a new revelation of your love and power. Holy Spirit, I ask you to minister to their spirit at this very moment..Where there is pain, give them your peace and mercy. Where there is self doubt, release a renewed confidence through your grace. In Jesus' precious name..Amen

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Joke: Medicine

Learning medicine in class

At school little Johnny's class is learning about medicines. Sister Catherine, the teacher, asks the pupils what kind of medicines they know and what they are used for. 

The first pupil said: 'Tylenol?' 'Very good! And what is it used for?' 'It is used for a headache.' 

The second pupil said: 'Nytol.' 'Excellent!' said Sister Catherine. 'And what it is used for?' 'To help you sleep', replied the student. 

Now it is Johnny's turn and he said: 'Viagra.' ' And what is it used for, Johnny?" asked the surprised Sister Catherine. "It is used for diarrhea."

' 'And who told you this, Johnny?' ' "Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father 'take a Viagra, and maybe that shit will get harder."

''  Sister Catherine fainted.
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The year of my birth

"In 1967, the world was a different place.

There was no Google yet. Or Yahoo.

In 1967, the year of your birth, the top selling movie was The Jungle Book. People buying the popcorn in the cinema lobby had glazing eyes when looking at the poster.

Remember, that was before there were DVDs. Heck, even before there was VHS. People were indeed watching movies in the cinema, and not downloading them online. Imagine the packed seats, the laughter, the excitement, the novelty. And mostly all of that without 3D computer effects.

Do you know who won the Oscars that year? The academy award for the best movie went to In the Heat of the Night. The Oscar for best foreign movie that year went to Closely Watched Trains. The top actor was Rod Steiger for his role as Police Chief Bill Gillespie in In the Heat of the Night. The top actress was Katharine Hepburn for her role as Christina Drayton in Guess Who's Coming to Dinner. The best director? Mike Nichols for The Graduate.

In the year 1967, the time when you arrived on this planet, books were still popularly read on paper, not on digital devices. Trees were felled to get the word out. The number one US bestseller of the time was The Arrangement by Elia Kazan. Oh, that's many years ago. Have you read that book? Have you heard of it?

In 1967... The Doors' self-titled debut album is released. The New York Times reports that the U.S. Army is conducting secret germ warfare experiments. Segregationist Lester Maddox is sworn in as Governor of Georgia. The Parliament of the United Kingdom decides to nationalize 90% of the British steel industry. The United States, Soviet Union and United Kingdom sign the Outer Space Treaty. The Chinese government announces that it can no longer guarantee the safety of Soviet diplomats outside the Soviet Embassy building. A Soviet nuclear test is conducted at the Semipalatinsk Test Site, Eastern Kazakhstan. Pope Paul VI issues the encyclical Populorum Progressio. The Surveyor 3 probe lands on the Moon. Montreal, Quebec, Expo 67, a World's Fair to coincide with the Canadian Confederation centennial, officially opens with Prime Minister Lester B. Pearson igniting the Expo Flame in the Place des Nations. Elvis Presley and Priscilla Beaulieu are married in Las Vegas. The Greek military government accuses Andreas Papandreou of treason.

That was the world you were born into. Since then, you and others have changed it.

The Nobel prize for Literature that year went to Miguel Ángel Asturias. The Nobel prize for physics went to Hans Albrecht Bethe from the United States for his contributions to the theory of nuclear reactions, especially his discoveries concerning the energy production in stars. The sensation this created was big. But it didn't stop the planets from spinning, on and on, year by year. Years in which you would grow bigger, older, smarter, and, if you were lucky, sometimes wiser. Years in which you also lost some things. Possessions got misplaced. Memories faded. Friends parted ways. The best friends, you tried to hold on. This is what counts in life, isn't it?

The 1960s were indeed a special decade. The Swinging Sixties saw the rise of counterculture. There was recreational drug use and casual sex. Many countries gained independence from their colonial rulers. Several governments turned to the left. In Britain, the Labour Party gains power. The Vietnam War continues. The Algerian War comes to a close. In the US, Hispanics fight to end racial discrimination and socioeconomic disparity. Feminism keeps rising. Art House films make it to theaters. The Beatles, Bob Dylan and the Rolling Stones play their music. The US and Soviet Union come close to a military confrontation during the Cuba missile crisis. Nixon becomes US president. Man lands on the moon during the Apollo 11 mission of the United States. The first heart transplantation occurs. The first computer game, Spacewar, is created.

Do you remember the movie that was all the rage when you were 15? 48 Hrs.. Do you still remember the songs playing on the radio when you were 15? Maybe it was Ebony and Ivory by Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder. Were you in love? Who were you in love with, do you remember?"

In 1967, 15 years earlier, a long time ago, the year when you were born, the song Ode to Billie Joe by Bobbie Gentry topped the US charts. Do you know the lyrics? Do you know the tune? Sing along.

It was the third of June, another sleepy, dusty Delta day
I was out choppin' cotton and my brother was balin' hay
And at dinner time we stopped and walked back to the house to eat
And Mama hollered out the back door "y'all remember to wipe your feet"
...

There's a kid outside, shouting, playing. It doesn't care about time. It doesn't know about time. It shouts and it plays and thinks time is forever. You were once that kid.

When you were 9, the movie Freaky Friday was playing. When you were 8, there was The Apple Dumpling Gang."

And these were just some of the things the happened the year I was born.
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Burnt Bubba

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty
badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his
two best friends, Daryl and Gomer. The three men had always done everything
together.


Daryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl
said, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."

The mortician thought that was rather strange.


Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body.

Gomer took a look at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.
Roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No,
it ain't Bubba."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"


Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two arseholes."
"What? He had two arseholes?!" asked the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes.
Every time we went to town, folks would say,
'Here comes Bubba with them two arseholes.'"

Have A Super Day! (no matter what other arseholes may say)





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Something to offend everyone!

I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas and a jumbo sausage. 
A poor homeless man sat there and said, 'I've not eaten for two days.'  

I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'



I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today.
Apparently the  instruction,
'finish off on her face' didn't mean what I thought it did.'


  
A fat girl served me food in McDonalds at lunch time. She said, 'sorry about the wait.'  
I said, 'don't worry fatty, your bound to lose it eventually.'


Snow in the forecast!  The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight.
 . I thought to myself  "fat chance" with a face like that!'



I have a new chat up line that works every time!  
It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be.
This line is a winner and I always end up in bed with them. Here's how it goes, 'Excuse me, love, could I ask your opinion?  

Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'



Years ago it was suggested 'that an apple a day kept the doctor away.' 
But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!

 

I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. 

Apparently "Blacks" and Mexicans were not the correct answers.


 


 


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Laugh Loud and hard, remember that life is SHORT!!! Live Love and Laugh....

1)
You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable or get married and wish you were dead.


2)
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."


3)
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted"
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."


4)
When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.


5)
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.


6)
A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."


7)
A young son asked,
"Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife
until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."


8)
Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married and by then, it
was too late."


9)
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.


10)
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you
say -- talk in your sleep.


11)
Just think; if it wasn't for marriage, men would go through life thinking
they had no faults at all.



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