Womanese

Gentlemen thank me later, but Its called 'WOMANESE' the coded language all women use to communicate.....

Take NOTE:

1. "Fine - I am right". This argument is over. You need to shut up.  

2. "That's Okay" - One of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think hard and long before deciding when and how you'll pay for your mistake.  

3. "Nothing" - The calm before the storm. This means "Something" and you better be on your toes. Note: Arguments that start with "Nothing" usually end with "Fine" (See #1).

4. "Five Minutes" - If getting dressed, this means half an hour. (Don't be mad about this. It's the same definition for you when it's your turn to do some chores around the house.)

5. "Thanks" - A woman is thanking you. Do not question this or faint. Just say, "You're welcome," and let it go.  

6. "Loud Sigh" - Not actually a word but rather a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. It means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is standing here wasting her time arguing with you about "Nothing." (See #3)  

7. "Go Ahead" - This is a dare, not permission. (Don't Do It!)   The Real Definition of Words When Used By Women  

8. "Don't worry about it, I got it" - The second most dangerous statement a woman can make. It means that a woman has asked a man several times to do something and is now doing it herself. (This will result in you asking at a later date, "What's wrong?" For the woman's response, see #3.)
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How To Make A Woman Happy?

It's not difficult to make a woman happy.

A man only needs to be:

1. a friend

2. a companion

3. a lover

4. a brother

5. a father

6. a master

7. a chef

8. an electrician

9. a carpenter

10. a plumber

11. a mechanic

12. a decorator

13. a stylist

14. a sexologist

15. a gynecologist

16. a psychologist

17. a pest exterminator

18. a psychiatrist

19. a healer

20. a good listener

21. an organizer

22. a good father

23. very clean

24. sympathetic

25. athletic

26. warm

27. attentive

28. gallant

29. intelligent

30. funny

31. creative

32. tender

33. strong

34. understanding

35. tolerant

36. prudent

37. ambitious

38. capable

39. courageous

40. determined

41. true

42. dependable

43. passionate

44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly

46. love shopping

47. be honest

48. be very rich

49. not stress her out

50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself

52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself

53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:

* birthdays

* anniversaries

* arrangements she makes


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY


1. Show up naked

2. Cook some food


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TAKING AWOMAN TO BED

What is the difference between girls/women Aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68, and 78

**********************************************************At 8You take her to bed and tell her a story*********************************************At 18You tell her a story and take her to bed***********************************************At 28You don't need to tell her a story To take her to bed***********************************************At 38She tells you a story and takes you to bed***********************************************At 48She tells you a story to avoid going to bed***********************************************At 58You stay in bed to avoid her story*********************************************At 68If you take her to bed, that'll be a story*********************************************At 78What story? What bed?Who the hell are you?**********************************************According to the Office for National Statistics:

190,374 People are having sex right now

212,130 Are kissing

And one poor ole fart Is reading emails

You hang in there sunshine! 


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Altar Boy

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

I have been with a loose girl.'

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Eddie Hunter?

''Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?

''I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.

''Well, Eddie, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now.  Was it Tina Minetti?

''I cannot say.

''Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?

''I'll never tell.

''Was it Nina Capelli?

''I'm sorry but I cannot name her.

''Was it Cathy Piriano?

''My lips are sealed.' 

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped and I admire that but you've sinned and have to atone.  You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.  Now you go and behave yourself.'

Eddie walks back to his pew and his friend slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?' 

'Four months vacation and five good leads...'


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Mind Test

Only great minds can read this. 

This is weird, but interesting!

 If you can raed this, you have a sgtrane mnid too Can you raed this?

Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can. I CDC's blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg.

The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in what oerdr the ltteres in a word are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is that the frsit and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae.

The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it whotuit a pboerlm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

If you can raed this forwrad it FORWARD ONLY IF YOU CAN READ IT.
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50 Female Facts

1. Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world where they feel like they're actually in control.

2. Women especially love a bargain. The question of 'need' is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.

3. Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you 'just don't understand'.

4. Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.

5. Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.

6. Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.

7. Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.

8. Women don't need sex as often as men do. This is because sex is more physical for men and more emotional for women. Just knowing that the man wants to have sex with them fulfills the emotional need.

9. Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved.

10. Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.

11. Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.

12. Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It might be the lottery calling.

13. Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an 'on/off' switch.

14. Women think all beer is the same.

15. Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.

16. Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things could be.

17. If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.

18. Women brush their hair before bed.

19. Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you'll have a pretty good idea about how she'll be in bed.

20. Women are paid less than men, except for one field: Modeling.

21. Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, 'It's there in the Bible'. Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple?

22. Women do not know anything about cars. 'Oil-stick, oil doesn't stick?'

23. Women have better restrooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet. Men just get a large bowl to share.

24. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

25. Women love cats. Men say they love cyats, but when women aren't looking, men kill cyats. Have you ever 'KILLED' a cyat?

26. Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

27. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail.

28. Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.

29. Women don't try as hard as men during sex; after all, they don't fall asleep afterwards.

30. Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'

31. PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter.

32. The first naked man women see is 'Ken'.

33. Women are insecure about their weight, butt, and breast sizes.

34. Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.

35. 'Oh, nothing,' has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-
language.

36. Lewis Carroll's Caterpillar had nothing on women.

37. Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.

38. All women are overweight by definition; don't agree with them about it. Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don't bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain.

39. If it is not Valentines Day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a
conversation by asking, 'What did you do?'

40. Only women understand the reason for 'guest towels' and the 'good china'.

41. Did I mention that even after a careful and through explanation to the men in their lives, only women will understand the reason for 'guest towels' and the 'good china'?

42. Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let into the draft to cover the responsibilities that go with those rights. All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the check.

43. If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys. (which gets them in more trouble)

44. Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they 'left the seat up' instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.

45. Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.

46. Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you?

47. Women fake orgasm because men fake foreplay.

48. It's okay for women to dance with each other and not be gay, You don't see straight men dancing together.

49. Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and then they'll go out and spend more time checking out other women. Men can never catch women checking out other men; women will always catch men checking out other women.

50. The most embarrassing thing for women is to find another woman wearing the same dress at a formal party. You don't hear men say, 'Oh-my-GOD, there's another man wearing a black tux, get me outta here!'

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50 Male facts

1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

3. If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.

4. Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the "nice" of bald.

5. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

6. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates really hard, he can help his team. If his team is in trouble, he coaches the players from the living room. If they are really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.

7. If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.

8. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

9. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.

10. All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.

11. The way a man looks at himself in the mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.

12. Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to KNOW.

13. Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.

14. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow instead of a gun.

15. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

16. Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.

17. All men hate to hear "We need to talk." No matter what the subject is, these seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Norman Schwarzkopf.

18. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log doesn't burn, he will take it personally.

19. Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.

20. All men think they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.

21. Men do not get cellulite. Another point for g-d possibly being a man.

22. Men have an easier time shopping for a bathing suit. Women have two types: Depressing and More depressing! Men have two types: Nerdy and Not Nerdy.

23. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in the winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

24. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my g-d, I'm so embarrassed. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo!"

25. Most men hate to shop. That is why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.

26. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.

27. If you are dating a man who you think might be Mr. Right if he only: a) got older b) got a new job or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a rude awakening. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.

28. Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get looser, baggier and longer.

29. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.

30. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.

31. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.

32. Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.

33. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie The Way We Were twice, voluntarily.

34. Most women are introspective. "Am I In Love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"

35. If a man says "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't FORGET... he didn't LOSE your number... he didn't DIE! He just didn't want to call you.

36. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes. But not with each other."

37. Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of the sight of women.

38. Getting rid of any man without hurting our masculinity may be a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes we leave skid marks.

39. Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Gramzee, you look great." Gramzee: "Thanks."
On the other side, "Lisa, you look great." Lisa: "I do? Must be the lighting."

40. Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.

41. Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.

42. Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.

43. Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.

44. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super heroes. Women have bad self images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

45. When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume his clothing has shrunk.

46. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause: you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.

47. Men forget everything. Women remember everything.

48. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.

49. Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.

50. Men masturbate more
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USED vs LOVED

What a powerful reminder of where we ought to be ( mentally, emotionally, spiritually) as we prepare for the close of this year and brace ourselves for the pains and pleasures of the next...............

.*Used vs. Loved *

While a man was polishing his new car, his 4 yr old son picked up a stone and scratched lines on the side of the car.

In anger, the man took the child's hand and hit it many times; not realizing he was using a wrench. At the hospital, the child lost all his fingers due to multiple fractures.

When the child saw his father.....with painful eyes he asked, 'Dad when will my fingers grow back?' 

The man was so hurt and speechless; he went back to his car and kicked it a lot of times.

Devastated by his own actions.......sitting in front of that car he looked at the scratches; the child had written 'LOVE YOU DAD'. 

The next day that man committed suicide. . .. 

Anger and Love have no limits; choose the latter to have a beautiful, lovely life..... 

Things are to be used and people are to be loved, but the  problem in today's world is that, People are used and things are loved... 

During this year, let's be careful to keep this thought in mind:

"Things are to be used, but People are to be loved ... Be yourself...." This is the only day we HAVE.

Have a nice day...

." Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits they become character; Watch your character; it becomes your destiny."
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