‎​LITTLE BILLY

The teacher asked billy if there are 4 birds on a tree, and one gets shot, how many will be left on the tree?

Billy says none, because when u shoot one bird, the rest will fly away.

The teacher, impressed, replies, the answer is 3 birds left, but I like the way you're thinking.

Billy says, let me ask you a question Miss, there are 3 women eating ice cream in different ways, one biting, one sucking and one licking, which women is married?

The teacher, nervously says the one sucking. Billy says, no the answer is the one with a wedding ring on, but I like the way you're thinking ;)
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4 Parachutes

A plane with 4 passengers is about to crash, but has only three parachutes. The first passenger says "I'm Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers need me. I can't afford to die." So he takes the first parachute and leaves the plane.  The second passenger, Sarah Palin, says "I was the running mate of the former Republican Party candidate for President of the United States. I am the most ambitious woman in the world. I am also a former Alaska Governor, a potential future  President, and above all, the smartest woman in America." She grabs the second parachute and leaves the plane The third passenger, The Rev. Billy Graham, says to the fourth passenger, a 10 year old school boy, "I am old and I don't have many years left. As a Christian I will sacrifice my life and let you have the  last parachute.  The boy says, "It's okay. There is still a parachute left for you America's smartest woman took my school backpack."

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The Polite Way to Pee...

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
 
'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'
 
Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'
 
The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite.  What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
 
Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'
 
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
 
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'
 
Johnny said 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'
 
The teacher fainted... 

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Adult Truths

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey -but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

Ladies.....Quit Laughing. Heal the past, live the present, dream the future. Enjoy life!!!

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Fw: Dinner Date

A man was dining in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to speak to her. Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back. 'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said as she popped her eye back in place... 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she said. They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterward went to the theatre and later had drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened. After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.  They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Do you   treat every guy you meet this way?' 'No,' she replied . . . 'You just happened to catch my eye.'     (Oh shut up!)

Chinese 2011 Horoscope

This  is a Chinese Feng Shui horoscope.  If  you are honest this tells the truth. Write  your answers on paper.

To  find your Feng Shui horoscope scroll  down.

1.  Which is your favorite color: Red,  Black, Blue, Green or  Yellow?
2.  Your first initial?
3.  Your month of birth?
4.  Which color do you like more, Black or  White?
5.  The name of a person that is the same sex as  you?
6.  Your favorite number?
7.  Do you like   California or   Florida  more?
8.  Do you like a  Lake or the  Ocean more?
9.  Write down a Wish(a realistic one) When  you are done, scroll down. Don't  cheat!

ANSWERS:
1.  If  you choose:

Red: You are  alert and your life is full of love.
Black: You are  conservative and  aggressive.
Green:  Your soul is  relaxed and you are laid  back.
Blue:    You are  spontaneous and love affection.
Yellow: You are a very happy person  & give good advice to those who are  down.

2.  If  your initial is between:
A-K:  You have a lot of love and friendships in your  life.
L-R: You try to live your life  to the max & your love life is soon to  bloom.
S-Z: You like to help others  and your future looks very bright.

3.  If  you were born in:
Jan-Mar:   The year will go very well for you and you will  discover that  you fall in love with someone totally unexpected.
Apr-Jun:   You will have a  strong love relationship that will last  forever.
Jul-Sep:     You will have a great year and will experience a  major life changing experience for the good.
Oct-Dec:   Your life will  be great; you will find your soul  mate.

4.  If  you choose:
Black:  Your life is about to get better. You are more  than ready for  the change.
White: You have a friend who  completely confides in you and would  do anything for you, but you may not realize  it.

5.  This person should be your Best  Friend.

6.  This is how many close friends you will  have in your life time.

7.  If  you choose:
California  :   You like adventure.
Florida  :  You are a  laid back person.

8.  If  you choose:
Lake :   You are loyal to  your friends and your lover. You are very  reservedly: You are spontaneous  and like to please people.

9.  This  wish will come true if you send this to 1 person  in one hour.
Send this to ten people and it  will come true before your next birthday.





                               

A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you...... This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, I purchased a week of personal training at the local health club.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!
The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
______________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was
well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god with blond hair,dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines... I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
______________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.
______________________________
WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is
VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other crap too.
______________________________
THURSDAY:
Butt hole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late-- it took me that long to tie my shoes.
He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny witch to find me.
Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine-- which I sank.
______________________________
FRIDAY:

I hate that jackass Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,anemic, anorexic, little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.
Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the darn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
______________________________
SATURDAY:
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel..
______________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun-- like a root canal
or a hysterectomy.

I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

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