Ladies which one are you?? Guys i'm sure had one or more of the following:
SHORTCHANGED Vagina -
When the woman is extremely sexy and beautiful. She moves the right way, smells good, and oozes sensuality. However, when it comes to sex, she has no clue! She's like a bump on a log. The very thought of stroking this vagina can make you cum before it's time. She talks a good game but CANNOT walk the talk. When she tries to guide your penis into her vagina, she cuts it with her nails.
By the time you get another boner, her vagina is dry and feels like sandpaper. By the time you get in, you find out that your penis is too big for her short vagina. When you go to lick the vagina you find out that it is a little tart and now you start thinking to yourself, "how can such a fine woman be so feeble?" Undaunted, you decide that you're going to make the best of a bad situation and get your rocks off when she says "don't cum in me because I'm not taking anything." What a waste.
SWEET LIPS Vagina -
This is substitute vagina. She sucks major penis like a pro. She sucks it so good that your knees buckle to the point where you wanna pass out. It was good enough to make you look for something to hold onto. She can suck the chrome off of a car's bumper. Then she slips your penis into her vagina and you realize that her mouth was much better.
You try to maneuver your penis back to her mouth any way you possibly can. But no cigar. So, you just go in the corner of the bedroom...and cry.
YES MA'AM Vagina -
This is the kind of vagina your mother warned you about! This vagina is often misjudged because of the owners meek mannerisms.
She is quiet, reserved, caters to your every whim and shows no inkling of the treasure that lies between her thighs. She seems to be a scholarly type but not quite prudish. You think to yourself "I'm gonna tear this vagina up." Only to find that she was only playing possum.
You were so caught off guard that your whole f**king plan needed instant revision. She was your equal, having as much game as you. You must give her props, realizing that you came within a bat's eyelash of having your brains f**ked out.
Gentleman, be wary of this vagina and be prepared. Your best defense is a good offense and a long stiff thick penis with staying power.
THUNDER THIGHS Vagina (THE Vagina YOU'RE GETTING FROM SOMEONE WHO IS NOT YOUR WOMAN) -
Men who have cheated on their woman temporarily can say, "AMEN" to this class of vagina.
Men, this is the class of vagina that makes you cry and confess to your woman, you f**ked someone else. The Thunder Thighs vagina made you want to tell somebody. Thunder Thighs vagina is in a class of its own. Thunder Thighs vagina will make you look and feel different about the vagina you got at home.
Thunder Thighs vagina makes you bust several nuts (i.e.,multiple orgasms). Makes you cry and you have no clue as to why. This vagina is so intense, when it is wrapped around your penis or your face it sends you into a trance. She has a smooth, undulating motion, constantly asks you if your comfortable, you started at 6PM and it is now going on 9PM and she is not tired and her vagina ain't sloppy yet. She sucks on your penis and savors it like you're the main course meal. She sensuously flicks the head of your penis with her tongue like a lollipop.
By now you're in shock and forget about your woman. When you're back with your woman, you're wondering why she can't perform like Thunder Thighs vagina. You even have the nerve to get mad and then instruct her to do what Thunder Thighs did to you.
Thunder Thighs vagina will have you searching for her in the daytime with a flashlight. Period.
THE STALKER Vagina -
This is the vagina that pisses you off the most. You see, the woman you boned for a fling or as a favor keeps coming back like a bad cold. Pops up when you least expect it.
If she has a bad day at work, she "stalks your penis." If she, has a bad meal, "she stalks your penis." If she has a bad hair day, she "stalks your penis." If she sees an ex, she "stalks your penis." No matter what, she "stalks your penis."
It is easy to tell if the woman you're with falls into this category. She always uses phrases like these when she is f**king you: "DON'T RUN FROM THIS vagina." "DIS SUM GOOD vagina right?" " TELL ME YOU LIKE THIS vagina." "WHAT IS MY NAME?" "WHO'S penis IS THIS?" "TALK TO ME DADDY, I DON'T HEAR YOU TALKING SHIT NOW," and finally, "I KNOW YOU LIKE IT WHEN YOU IN THIS vagina!"
TUNA Vagina -
This is the vagina that you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy. You can recognize it easily because she may have cats and flies swarming around her, or everybody at the local pub knows her name.
When you walk into a room, you know she is there or was there. This is a very, VERY dangerous vagina. The problem is that the babe is fine and you ain't had no vagina in a long while. The dog in you wants some vagina. You know that this vagina is experienced and could put a hurt on you in more ways than one.
This is the vagina you don't want anyone to know you sampled. You DON'T EAT this vagina. After you sample this vagina, you immediately take a shower or at the very least scrub your penis in the sink with some disinfectant.
WATERING HOLE Vagina -
This is good convenient vagina. The Understanding vagina. The no lets Just do it vagina. The Easy vagina. The vagina you can call when your body needs a fix. She gives you major head like SWEET LIPS vagina, and f**ks you like THUNDER THIGHS vagina. Only thing is, you do not have a woman so you're not feeling guilty. Whenever you call, this vagina is ready. Her vagina craves your penis. This vagina is available in any place at anytime...21 Gun salute!
GODDAMN Vagina -
Men, now this is vagina that will definitely send you to hell if you're not married to it. This vagina is just like YES MA'AM and THUNDER THIGHS vagina. Her vagina is snug, not too tight, and juicy.
She can accommodate larger than average size penis. She has good control of her vagina muscles which can make any size penis feel like at home.
This vagina makes you numb, cry and pray all at the same time. While you are giving it to her doggy style or with you laying down and she sits on top of you, you look towards the heavens and say, "COTDAMN THIS IS SOME GOOD vagina!!!"
* AMAZON Vagina * -
Gentlemen, this is the gold mine vagina.
This vagina is the vagina that you commit yourself too.
You do not cheat on it and you keep it a well kept secret. In fact, you constantly crave and feign for this vagina.
When you get this vagina, you go through convulsions.
This is the vagina that makes you READY even when you ain't.
You call in sick from work for it.
This vagina is so major, it is YES M'AM vagina, WATERING HOLE vagina, THUNDER THIGHS vagina and GODDAMN vagina all in one!
This is the vagina that you want to put insurance on, just in case anything should happen to it.
This vagina makes you stutter while speaking and has you nervous for no reason.
There's a tear in my eye..
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Thursday, August 4, 2011
A bit of Irish pets
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle; They walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.... Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.
At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place..'
He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat.
Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'
THERE'S MORE !!!!!.
Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass.
He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other..
'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.
He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.
He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone
in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrot shooting either!'
IT IS NOT OVER YET!!!
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.
He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.
Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head.
'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrot shooting... And now Sean and his fook'n hen gliding!'
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The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.... Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.
At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place..'
He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat.
Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'
THERE'S MORE !!!!!.
Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass.
He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other..
'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.
He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.
He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone
in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrot shooting either!'
IT IS NOT OVER YET!!!
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.
He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.
Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head.
'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrot shooting... And now Sean and his fook'n hen gliding!'
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Got to love a blonde!!!
One day a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde were on their way to heaven.
God told them the stairs to heaven were 1,000 steps and on every step he was
going to tell them a joke. If they laughed they would not be able to get to heaven.
So the redhead made it to the 45th step and laughed.
The brunette made it to the 200th step and laughed.
But the blonde made it to the 999th step and laughed even before god told his joke.
God asked "Why did you laugh I haven't even told the joke yet"
The blonde said "I know, I just now got the first one!!!
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God told them the stairs to heaven were 1,000 steps and on every step he was
going to tell them a joke. If they laughed they would not be able to get to heaven.
So the redhead made it to the 45th step and laughed.
The brunette made it to the 200th step and laughed.
But the blonde made it to the 999th step and laughed even before god told his joke.
God asked "Why did you laugh I haven't even told the joke yet"
The blonde said "I know, I just now got the first one!!!
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Saturday, July 23, 2011
Fw: JEWISH SEX
Jewish Sex
A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding meets with their rabbi for counseling.
The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.
The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception. But, we'd like your permission to dance together, like the rest of the world."
"Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest. Men and women always dance separately."
"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"
"No," answered the rabbi. "It's forbidden."
"Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"
"Of course!" replies the rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah a good thing within marriage, to have children!"
"What about different positions?" asks the man
"No problem," says the rabbi "It's a mitzvah!"
"Woman on top?" the man asks.
"Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah!"
"Doggy style?"
"Sure! Another mitzvah!"
"On the kitchen table?"
"Yes, yes! A mitzvah!"
"Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"
"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!"
"Can we do it standing up?"
"Absolutely Not!" says the rabbi."
"Why not?" asks the man.
"Could lead to dancing!
A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding meets with their rabbi for counseling.
The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.
The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception. But, we'd like your permission to dance together, like the rest of the world."
"Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest. Men and women always dance separately."
"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"
"No," answered the rabbi. "It's forbidden."
"Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"
"Of course!" replies the rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah a good thing within marriage, to have children!"
"What about different positions?" asks the man
"No problem," says the rabbi "It's a mitzvah!"
"Woman on top?" the man asks.
"Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah!"
"Doggy style?"
"Sure! Another mitzvah!"
"On the kitchen table?"
"Yes, yes! A mitzvah!"
"Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"
"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!"
"Can we do it standing up?"
"Absolutely Not!" says the rabbi."
"Why not?" asks the man.
"Could lead to dancing!
Friday, June 17, 2011
Fw: Cell Phone, very good information
Did you ever wonder who invented the Cell Phone? Ok, let's say that you are
On a TV game show and have to answer this question to win $10M. The question
Is, who invented the cellular phone? In all probability most of us could not
Answer this question. Those of you who know are in a very small minority.
The inventor of the Cellular phone is Henry Sampson, Jr. Sampson is an
African-American from Jackson , Mississippi . He attended Morehouse and
Transferred to Purdue. He received an MS in Engineering from the University
Of California (Go Bears). He was awarded an MS in Nuclear Engineering from
Illinois and his Ph.D from Illinois . Sampson is the first African-American
To receive a Ph.D in Nuclear Engineering.
In 1971 Sampson was awarded a patent for the "gamma-electric cell." This
Technology was used in the cellular phone. Hopefully Dr. Sampson was well
Rewarded for his efforts.
All right, now that you have this information join the "Tell a Brother Club"
By passing this information on to more individuals who are uninformed.
(Barbershops and Beauty Salons are great places to discuss this info).
During the week let the entire world know about Dr. Sampson. This is called
The "Breakdown the Stereotype Campaign."
??
Monday, June 6, 2011
Children Are Quick
1. TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
2.TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
3. TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
4. TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about? DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
5. TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. WINNIE: Me!
6. TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty? GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
7. TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. ' MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.' MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
8 . TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him? LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand....
9. TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
9. TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his? CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
10.TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
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MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
2.TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
3. TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
4. TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about? DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
5. TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. WINNIE: Me!
6. TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty? GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
7. TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. ' MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.' MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
8 . TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him? LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand....
9. TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
9. TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his? CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
10.TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
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Friday, June 3, 2011
Just too embarrassed
Little Kevin was at school one morning when the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living.
All the typical answers came out, fireman, policeman, salesman, Company CEO, etc.
But Kevin was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."
The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took Little Kevin aside to ask him if that was really true. "NO" said Kevin.
"He plays cricket for West Indies but I was just too embarrassed to say that.!!!
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All the typical answers came out, fireman, policeman, salesman, Company CEO, etc.
But Kevin was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."
The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took Little Kevin aside to ask him if that was really true. "NO" said Kevin.
"He plays cricket for West Indies but I was just too embarrassed to say that.!!!
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